Organisation, control and chaos – why have I put these three quite different traits, under the same glossary title? I suppose it’s because I crave the first two and live in the third, on a daily basis! I imagine, in fact I know, that there are others out there with auDHD who feel the same.

I love the concept of organisation, of order. My delicious stationery is lined up in boxes on my shelves, with printed labels on the front of each metal box, describing the contents: erasers, biros, bulldog clips, pencils, bookmarksetc and that gives me so much joy! I sound organised at this stage, right? Nope.

Opening my diary and seeing that I have achieved all my To Do list for that day – that’s the stuff of fantasy for 99% of my time. Seeing there’s a birthday coming up and getting a card in the post ON TIME. Eating lunch at ACTUAL LUNCH TIME. These little things give me a sense of achievement, calm and control…

Ah… control. Well, from what I gather, this is connected to trauma. I need to be in control – it stops me slip-sliding down into meltdown and overwhelm territory – it’s really important. Control can get a bit out of hand and can be…well, quite controlling. It stops me doing a lot of things because the more wild my days are (and by wild, I mean I might attempt a trip to the supermarket or to meet a friend) the more potential there is for the unexpected to happen. Despite control controlling me, I still like being in control though often I’m just in…

Nothing short of chaos! Now, this is a bedfellow I could well do without. And yet, if I was supposed to pack only three things in my suitcase, to go on holiday: organisation, control and chaos. I guarantee that I’d arrive on holiday and find I’d only packed chaos. It follows me like a really annoying friend that you just can’t shake off. An example: I can see what colour my desk is at the moment, but that’s only because I’ve bundled all of the months-old paperwork into three boxes and tucked them neatly on my shelf, because we have guests arriving! There’s important To Do stuff in those boxes but, the moment it’s out of sight, I totally forget about it until it reaches DEFCON 1.

 

 

This has been quite a personal entry but I hope it reassures others, who may feel similarly, that we are not alone.